MY BIRTH STORY - Becky Tahel Ben David

[WARNING! This is a celebratory and positive tale. This doesn’t do the thing where I complain about pain or awful tearing, this is one of those posts where I attempt to normalize & celebrate positive birth stories!]

Auri Atara was due on October 18th, 2020 and that morning at roughly 3:30am I got my first early labor contraction. I wasn’t sure if it was for real, because I had been waiting to “feel something” for weeks! This was it, it was starting! As my surges grew and grew that day, Nathan helped me stay grounded and comfortable. We did everything we learned and practiced, from staying upright and loose, to figure 8 movements on the birthing ball, to vocalizing through low sounds. As the contractions grew and grew into the night, we called our midwife friend Abby for some guidance. We wanted to stay home until the very last possible moment to avoid interventions at Kaiser hospital where I would be delivering. My hope (and birth preference) was to avoid an epidural if I could, so that baby and I could be as naturally connected as possible, but I wasn’t 100% opposed to pain relief either. My goal was to flow with it and see — especially since this was my first time & who the heck knew what any of this would actually feel like!

Ok, so now it’s midnight on the 18th, and after nearly 24 hours at home, the waves of contractions are rolling in every few minutes and feeling rather intense. Intense compared to what? Who knows! But I was certainly needing more lavender oil, and foot massages. I was also thinking “I know this is temporary but when will the baby actually come?! Could I be experiencing this intense pressure in my lower abdominal area for days on end?” The midwife suggested we go in to Kaiser if these contractions persisted for a couple hours longer, based on how I was breathing and vocalizing during each wave. At 3:30am we packed our bags & hopped over to Kaiser, nearly exactly 24 hours after the first contraction began.

I was checked, Covid tested (omg the worst! I am not about that swab life), and got some routine bloodwork done. Turned out I was only 2cm dilated. When I say “only” that’s not to discredit 2cm, it’s certainly a sign that baby is coming soon (yay) but also a sign that labor isn’t quite active yet (which is usually at around 6cm). So we went back home and to bed.

Bed. Not the most fun place to have growing surges, laying down makes them much more intense in case you’re taking notes. I woke up a couple hours later unable to stay laying down, and Nathan suggested we move around. By this point, all I wanted was baby to come! I didn’t want to eat (though I forced myself to take bites of avocado toast & sips of a protein smoothie Nathan made me). Nathan really showed all the way up! He played beautiful music (to which I shed some tears of remembering what I was actually doing, tears of gratitude and overwhelm), he did the rebozo shawl thing (pulling up on a scarf/cloth from under my belly to relieve some pelvic discomfort and encourage baby), I did all sorts of movements and took positions my doula recommended, and the waves were now ebbing and flowing at a higher speed and intensity.

That’s when my doula, Shoshana Reiber, came for added back up. She did some assisted movements with me to help the baby position further down & she encouraged an open mouthed “ahhhh” sound for these more intense waves. She taught Nathan some things so that when we did go back to the hospital to finish laboring and deliver, he could help me.

Kaiser still only allowed 1 person to come in with a laboring woman and I couldn’t imagine not having Nathan there! Though I would have loved to have my doula as well. Grrr Covid regulations. Alas, we stocked up on Shoshana wisdom, and after a couple hours of her working on me and with me, I started to “bare down” during a contraction in a way I hadn’t before. I was audibly pushing down a bit. Shoshana heard it and asked if I felt like I was pushing. It was subtle and faint, but I did. So she recommended we start getting our bags back in the car, and head back to Kaiser to check up on my progress. I was certainly not at 2cm anymore.

Upon arriving at Kaiser at roughly 6pm (it had officially been nearly 40 hours since my first contraction) I was taken up to triage where Nathan had to leave me. He could only join me once I was admitted and had a room assigned to me! And so began the triage ride from heaven and hell...

I’m going to be very honest about what happened, and equally grateful for it.

For the next 3.5 hours, I was poorly monitored while in triage. Yes, 3.5 hours of waiting for a nurse to actually mind me some proper attention. We later found out there was an emergency surgery happening that required more hands on deck than they anticipated, but still shouldn’t mean that any actively laboring woman be left alone like that.

When first admitted to triage I was checked and told I was at 5 cms! The contractions were still manageable alone, I was riding the wave of home/Shoshana prep, so I was ok to hang alone. I did deliberate even going back home to keep laboring a bit more in the comfort of home, because who knew how long it would take to reach 6cms!

Intuition told me to stay. And I was asked several times about my plan for pain augmentation, to which I said I wanted to try doing this naturally. That was the last nurse I saw for hours. And during those hours I was experiencing a pretty wild ocean of waves crashing in one after the next. I called Nathan to see where he was, apparently they were still looking for a room for me! He was stuck outside alone. 

And then my water broke. Remember that whole “bear down” thing I was doing back at home? Well now I was REALLY doing it, amidst a sea of rolling waves, and it was really moving baby down. It would be unfair to say I was alone in that triage room, my little baby was in there making moves, and God was conducting something masterful that I would come to appreciate fully later.

But meanwhile, these waves were not like the ones at home. And I didn’t have Nathan to help me, or Shoshana there to encourage me to take on new positions. I sat in the triage bed, afraid to get up because my water had broken (I know babies don’t just slip out like in “I didn’t know I was pregnant” on TV) but I was nervous. So I sat and took each contraction, now coming just 1-2 minutes apart. I was starting to grow frustrated with the nurses and realized I needed to be more vocal (aside from the loud vocalizations I was sharing with all of triage during contractions).

So I pressed the call button, “I need a nurse now!” They said someone would come. Two contractions later still no one. So I pressed again, “my water broke, I need to be checked, where is the nurse?” They promised someone would be right in. Nothing for another few waves crashing, waves and strong pushes that I had no control over. Omg this baby was coming, and I was alone! OK. WTF! This is intense, I’m alone, “I want an epidural, I’ve done enough!”

Somehow I had a clear enough mind to message with my sister, mom, and cousin about an epidural. I wanted someone to tell me it was ok to get one despite the feared side effects & potential complications that come with the intervention. Of course they all echoed that while I could do it without, if it’s what I wanted there was zero shame. I felt that truth, I had labored a lot and who knew how much more work was ahead for me?! Could I keep going? And alone like this?

I decided to throw in the towel.

So I pressed the call button after another intense contraction, “I’m sorry to be annoying but I need a nurse NOW! I need an epidural NOW!” And when I realized they were taking their time (still!) I proceeded to press that call button on repeat, press, press, press! “This baby is coming!”

Finally a nurse, Brianna, came in! I begged her not to leave me! I told her I was pushing, though she could hear it through my contractions. She checked me as I begged her to hurry, and to get me that epidural. “I can’t do this anymore” were the words I vividly remember watching come out of my mouth and knowing that that’s the textbook exclamation of the coveted transition between phase 1 (dilation) and phase 2 (pushing), that I was most likely right there. She checked me and said “you’re fully dilated, you’re 10cms”

I was in transition!
I was also aware that this meant it was too late for an epidural.

Brianna also explained that because of the emergency going on, the anesthesiologist wouldn’t be available for a little bit. I couldn’t wrap my mind around much of it, could I do this?! I told her I had been alone and couldn’t do it any longer, I needed a room and my husband. She looked at me and told me I could do it, I had come this far!

She found me a room, and Nathan was finally on his way up. By this point I had moved over to the delivery bed in the dimly lit labor room, and the surging waves subsided. I was ready to push.

My sweet hubby came in with our immaculately packed bags (20 electric candles, my diffuser and oils, all the things), I immediately exclaimed “I’m at 10cm!” No time for set dressing, it was time to push, baby’s head was close!

For the next 45 minutes, we all worked as a team. The nurses and doctor reminded me to push like I was super constipated (helpful) and to low growl during the pushing (also v helpful). Nathan reminded me of what Shoshana said “meet the pushing head on” and somehow it all made perfect sense. As the urges to push swept in (similar to the waves of contractions in that they were involuntary but within me), I hugged Nathan and growled into his neck. Poor man’s back was sore by the end, but it allowed him the opportunity to whisper things in my ear throughout this powerful time.

He reminded me that I was made for this, that baby chose me, that God was right here. In Hebrew the word for birth is the same configuration of letters as “near God”. I remembered what Shoshana had told me, that I can pray for others’ fertility journeys, that I could pray for the world. I gazed off into the darkness of the night visible through the window to the left of the bed, everything seemed so calm and peaceful, and I prayed for my loved ones and the world!

Then another urge came to push, and the doctor asked if I wanted to touch baby’s head. SURE! I reached down to feel the head crowning, and let me tell you...it did not feel like a head. The team giggled & asked if I wanted a mirror. Now mind you, I had been watching natural birth clips on IG for months & had become a big fan of watching births. So the mirror was wheeled in!

As I saw that head, moments from being revealed into the world, I was both in awe and also so grounded in just how normal and natural this whole thing was! I had never done this before, yet I didn’t need to know much! It all made sense moment by moment.

Another big push, and Nathan reminded me to turn into it, almost like I was ringing myself out, like a mini crunch, assisting baby in pressing out. And another big push and out baby came! What a feeling...one of relief, of shock, of excitement, and of peace. I immediately heard the cry, and without processing too much was comforted that she was breathing and vocal (especially with all the monitoring they were doing while baby was in the waiting room of the birth canal!)

Next thing to check for, the gender! No one said anything, and as this big beautiful baby was being handed to me, I looked down and saw it was a girl! What? I had been told I was for sure carrying a boy, and had convinced myself it was most likely a boy too! I was beyond surprised, and thrilled! But first I had to double check my eyes, “it’s a girl right?!” I asked the doctor. Lol! She checked and confirmed that yes indeed I knew what a girl looked like.

The rest is history. (I birthed the placenta, had a bit of a hemorrhage and lost some blood but not enough to warrant a transfusion, had a super minor tear that was stitched, all of it I barely felt as I was in such a state of WOW with this new fresh baby girl). Weird to share all this like it’s no big deal, but it really was just that — a normal part of the magic!

Then I shivered like a crazy person. Woah. No one told me that calibrating hormones often means you get the world’s craziest shakes. It was wild, but also a natural part of things. Baby girl laying on me helped ground me, and eventually the shaking subsided. Brianna the miracle nurse came back and filled us in on next steps (being wheeled to our room in postpartum) and she reflected to me how present and capable I was! I couldn’t see how I was any of that back in triage, but she confirmed that even there I was grounded. Interesting to hear.

We then proceeded to talk about conscious birthing, and I realized that as messed up as being alone during the 3.5 hours of triage where I progressed quickly & intensely was - it was all a blessing. I was always near God. Perhaps if things had been any other way, I would have had interventions that would have led to different outcomes.

Meanwhile, baby girl was so present with us! She quickly took to nursing, and passed all her health tests. So I can’t complain. I’m proud of us — of Nathan’s loving partnership, of baby’s hard work & timely appearance, and of myself for flowing with the waves of labor!

Becky Tahel Ben David is a writer, producer, and filmmaker based out of Los Angeles. For more on her & her work, check out her IG @beckytbendavid or her production company’s website: mannafestmedia.com