Second Baby Mommy guilt

There is so much judgement that comes with being a mother. Are you breastfeeding? If you are and your baby is over 12 months, the raised eyebrows are you STILL breastfeeding? You have one child, then they are nearing five years old, oh so they will be an only child? You are pregnant with another, and it becomes, wow, two under two, do you think that's fair? How's the baby going to feel? The list is endless, and people opinions will be constant, which is why other people's opinions are none of our business. However, even when you know this, it can often be challenging, and you can still let things slip in and get to you, in addition to your thoughts getting at you.

Initially, my dream was to have twins, but when I was pregnant with my son Noah, I was pleased he was rolling solo and could not even imagine how women carried multiples! The human body is incredible, and women have superpowers! So then I thought two years apart for a sibling would be perfect. Once Noah was born, I decided a two-year gap would be far too close; my baby needed me, and it is hard work! Three years is ideal! Life does not go exactly to plan as we are well aware. Sitting here writing this, soon to be a mommy of two under two, give or take a few days or weeks depending on when baby girl is ready. So the two-year gap it is, and I couldn't be happier / also, how is baby Noah going to feel?

It will be great in the long run, and they can be the best of friends and play and have each other. I am two years older than my brother, and he is one of my closest friends. I would love that for my babies. But how is my baby boy going to feel that first day? The first week? Will I still be able to put him to bed that night as I have done every night? Will baby sister need me at that exact moment that he may need me? I know I'm not the first to do this, and everyone says it has a way of working itself out, and I also know it will, as doesn't life always, someway somehow? But it doesn't stop the questions.

I am a week in of no breastfeeding my baby boy. It feels like yesterday that I still needed the boppy pillow to support him as he fed as he was so tiny in my arms. Eight days ago, on our last feed, his long legs curled around my waist and the baby bump. I thought this week would be a nightmare, and there would be a day he would remember and fight for it as he had done when we cut out the morning feed, and I would have to deny him and feel bad. But it was natural, it was time, and I feel good. Nighttime feeds are replaced with coconut milk mixed with a spoon of baby oasts, and he loves it. straight after his bath, he excitedly cheers Bobble! (we are still working on those T's) I love him so much, even more than when he was born, which is hard to imagine as I was so overwhelmed with love that I thought I would burst. But the love grows and grows.

I am relieved that he still loves me back; without the breast milk, we still have our bedtime cuddles, and all is well in our world. It is a massive weight off my shoulders, which, to be honest, I didn't even realise was there. I think I was so concerned these past two months since I had cut down to nights only of not EVER being able to stop, for baby sister to arrive and be heartbroken when he sees her having his boobies. To answer 'yes' to still breastfeeding every time someone asked, then nod in agreement at the 'it will be hard when the new baby comes' That I hadn't thought about the possibility of not being 'needed' for my goodies. Which is probably a good thing; how much more can be swishing around in my head? But now it's over; it feels good. I am content we had our time.

I'm glad I did it when he was ready, not the month before when he was going through a developmental leap and teething. It had been a rough three weeks for us all. Sleep had been non-existent, and Noah was so attached to me, he only wanted to be in my arms whilst I was standing, preferably walking, and singing, which was physically demanding on my four-month pregnant self. Plus, I'm looking and feeling more like six months second pregnancy round!

I am pleased I trusted my instincts and didn't force it, trying to stick to my self made deadline. And then I am also proud of myself for seizing the opportunity and going for it, and making my other secret self made finish line of stopping before 20 months a reality. Which pretty much sums up motherhood. The complex mix of emotions, happy and sad, accomplished and questioning, and thinking of a million things at once but somehow naturally knowing it will be ok as all is encompassed with love. Putting one foot after another and simply taking one day at a time.

Every night when he's asleep, I find myself looking at at least one or two pictures of him taken throughout the day and when he was a tiny baby, or even gazing in amazement at how much he has changed in just two months. I know it can't be just me; other moms must do this too? It comforts me, and it also reminds me to enjoy every day as it goes so fast. I want to cherish every moment before baby girl comes, while it's just us. The same way I cherished every moment while I was pregnant with Noah feeling him grow inside me. Then comes the guilt of not bonding enough with baby girl, but guilt is a rubbish feeling that we should try and throw in the trash, like shame it has no business living here. Therefore, I sought solutions.

After I put Noah to bed, eat, clear up, look through his pictures, I take the time to feel and be with baby girl. Talk and connect to her, enjoy her kicks and respond. It is different from your first pregnancy as you are so busy running around after a toddler; you can easily miss these moments in the day. I now go to sleep with guided pregnancy meditation, Expectful App, which is fantastic, and I highly recommend it. And I am filled with love and an innate powerful feeling of knowing. It is knowing that I love my baby boy more and more each day, and my capacity to love will increase, not decrease when his baby sister arrives just as it does daily. And each day, she grows inside me, so does the feeling of love. I cannot wait to meet her and introduce her to her big brother, and I also want to pause and wish every day would span two, as it is all going so fast. I don't want to miss a thing. When I feel overwhelmed, I take a deep breath and remember one of my favourite quotes; 'Be present in all things and thankful for all things' - Maya Angelou.